The night before last I had a harrowing experience. All day on Tuesday I had felt a growing pressure in my chest, and thought I was having problems with my asthma. During the day I had to use my inhaler 3 different times just to get some air in my lungs. I didn’t think much of it, except…”Hmm…wonder if I’m catching a chest cold?” I’ve been very susceptible to catching colds, viruses, strep, and flus since I was a child, but even more as I get older and since they diagnosed me with Epstein-Barre Syndrom brought on by a 3-month case of Bronchitus. Well, the day wore on with the feeling of pressure in my chest, but it didn’t seem to get worse, or better at all. Then about 11:15 p.m., while sitting on my bed checking emails, I suddenly felt like something gripped my heart and was twisting it violently. Pain wracked my back in the center between my shoulder blades, and a sharp pain radiated down the inside of my left arm to my elbow. I thought first it was a catch in my back and so I stood up to stretch and found myself falling back to my bed, dizzy, and doubled up in excruciating pain. I’d never in my life felt anything like this,and lay there clutching my chest crying and not able to talk because I couldn’t breathe. My youngest daughter heard me fall and came running into the room, and she looked frightened. Even in extreme pain the mother in me kicked in, and at that moment all I could think is to tell her to pray, and then instead of screaming in pain, force myself to just say “Lord Jesus, help me please!” Then my husband, who had been asleep for over 3 hours, woke to my cries and praying, and he didn’t wake up in a good mood. Instead he woke up in a very grumpy mood, raising his voice and saying…”Well…what do you want me to do for you?!” This only added to my frustration and anguish. Couldn’t he see that I was clinching my heart and writhing in pain? Couldn’t he hear my cries to Jesus for help? Didn’t he listen to my daughter telling him what was going on? I was in shock, heartbroken, and the tears flowed even more. I could understand him being upset about being woken up…if it was for a foolish reason, but for his wife lieing there possibly dieing…really?! Then he added another blow with his question…”Do I need to take you to the hospital?” It wasn’t said with compassion, but more like he was irritated that he might have to? Then I became irritated with him as well. Was I going to have to tell him what to do? I could barely say, Help me Jesus, and this man wanted me to tell him how to help me! To say I was in shock is mild, because in my pain-racked, worried mind, I couldn’t believe this man who had taken first aid training in the past, didn’t seem to know what to do, nor had the compassion to do it! I now felt like Satan was literally attacking me, not only through the pain, but through the hurtful attitudes and words. I guess he didn’t realize how serious it was until he tried to stand me up to go to the hospital and the dizziness and pain drove me back down onto the bed once more. He finally realized he needed to call 9-1-1. The rest is a blur of paramedics, ambulance ride, shaking uncontrollably, pain, bumpy roads, oxygen mask, needles sticking me, xrays, EKGs, Nitroglycerin given to me, more needles, 2 I.V.s stuck in me, lots of questions, no sleep and no food or drink for 24 hours, nice nurses, rude nurses, doctors who didn’t seem to have a clue, one doctor that was in denial about her responsibility for my high cholesterol not being treated after 4 years (I had been a patient of hers), more words that came uncaringly from my husband (He thought he was showing that he understood by calling attention to himself…He picked the wrong words to do it), confusing information from doctors with a diagnosis that didn’t match what they were saying about test results, and finally after an overnight stay that made me think “this is what Hell must be like” I finally was let go home with the arrival of a male nurse with a to-go-cup of ice water, saying “Surprise! here is your last cup of ice water in this hospital!” My thought at that moment…”Yeah, and since it is also the only glass a water that I’ve been given in 24 hours should I be thankful?” Needless to say, I left with a migraine and still having chest pain and constriction, starving, so thirsty my lips were cracking, and a broken heart from unnecessary attitudes and words. I cried all the way home…that is silently cried because the tears flowed but I couldn’t make a sound. In my heart all I could pray was…”Why, Lord?” Stopping to pick up my prescriptions only made things worse, as we found out the nurse did not call in the doctor’s prescription like she said she did when we left. Then frustration grew when my husband said, “What a pain this all is!” Words said…argument…appetite ruined from the nausea that comes from anger, and all I wanted to do was go home, crawl in bed and cry. Why, Lord? Did I deserve this? We get home, and I carry in everything, no help, no one making sure I didn’t fall, no compassion at all. Lord, isn’t there anything that can turn this around now? I made it up the stairs to my bedroom, and as I sat down on the bed, over on my keyboard something caught my eye. It was a poem I had written in 2005 when I first started going through these health issues. I sat down and read it, and yes, the tears began to flow even more. Prayer, apologies, communication, hugs and a broken heart is mended. Here is that poem…
HE CAN HEAL MY HEART
By: Bonita L. Ledzius…copyright 2005
If He can control the wind and the waves,
He can change my life.
If He can make the blind see and lame walk,
He can heal my heart.
If Christ can resurrect the dead,
Feed the multitude with fish and bread,
If Christ can overcome Satan’s darts,
He can heal my heart.
If He can face the cross alone,
He can see my fear.
If He can face the cold, dark tomb,
He can hold me near.
If Christ can overcome the grave,
Do it all our souls to save,
He can heal my heart
Where no one else can see.
He can change my life,
And heal the doubts in me.
Of all the miracles our mighty God can do,
If you let Him, He can heal you, too!
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For some reason today, I feel speechless. My heart is aching for those who have gone through terrible things in the past, much like myself, and now I know how Jesus must feel when he sees his children suffer, or take the things that happen in their lives and lock them in their hearts, instead of giving them to him. When I saw this video and heard this young lady speak about blaming herself for her parents’ divorcing, and how that lack of self-esteem grew to the point of wanting to kill herself, it brought back how as a teen I felt that way. I thank God for coming into my life and giving me hope and peace, before I got to this level of depression. I praise God that he came into this young woman’s life and wiped all that self-doubt and self-hatred away. This week my heart is crying out for my own daughters, praying that each would come to Christ, and give their self-doubts, their anger, their hurts, their lives to Jesus. I guess, this week the heart of the mom in me is really feeling the need to mourn for young women all over the world who are facing trials and tribulations, self-esteem issues, and depression. I’m thankful that in my speechlessness, when I can’t even express the words I want to in prayer, God’s Holy Spirit is already kneeling at the throne of God uttering to the Lord, what I can’t expres. Right now, all I want to do is to hug every young woman who is hurting inside, and let them know that it will be okay…that Jesus loves them and will always be there to help them through it all.
forhisgloryandpraise 
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